Being assertive sounds like an amazing skill to have, doesn’t it? The ability to communicate clearly and confidently while respecting both your needs and the needs of others is such an important part of healthy relationships. But for many, the idea of becoming assertive feels daunting or even impossible. Maybe you like the idea of assertiveness but have no clue where to start. Maybe you know exactly what you want to say but can’t figure out how to phrase it without sounding overly emotional or too harsh. Or maybe you’ve tried to speak up before, only to feel your heart race, your mouth go dry, and your thoughts scatter—leaving you retreating to your usual communication patterns.
If this sounds like you, know that you are not alone. Many people struggle with assertiveness. But here’s some good news: you’re already on the path just by thinking about it. Nothing new can happen in your life without first recognizing the change you want to make. The next step is getting curious about what’s holding you back.
Identifying Your Barriers
If you’re struggling with assertiveness, it’s likely you’re encountering some internal barriers. Understanding these barriers is a crucial step toward overcoming them. Here are some common concerns people have around becoming more assertive:
- Fear of being too harsh. You may worry that if you speak up, you’ll come across as rude, demanding, or insensitive.
- Fear of rejection. Perhaps you’re concerned that people won’t like this new, assertive version of you.
- Fear of being misunderstood. You might worry that others will see you as someone you don’t want to be—aggressive, bossy, or difficult.
- Fear of emotional overwhelm. Maybe you’re afraid that trying to assert yourself will lead to tears or a shaky voice, making you feel even more vulnerable.
These are just a few examples, and your barriers may be different. Take some time to reflect: What comes up for you when you think about being more assertive? Journaling about this or talking it through with a trusted friend or therapist can be incredibly helpful. Once you understand what’s holding you back, you can start creating a plan to address those concerns.
Learning the Basics
Once you’ve identified your barriers, it’s time to learn some tools to help you communicate assertively. One simple and effective formula is:
“I feel [emotion] when [situation], and I need [specific need].”
Here’s an example:
- Instead of saying, “You never help around the house,” you could say, “I feel overwhelmed when the housework is left to me, and I need us to share the responsibilities more evenly.”
This structure helps you express your feelings and needs without placing blame or escalating tension. It keeps the focus on your experience and invites collaboration.
Other helpful phrases include:
- “I’d like to add something.” (for joining a conversation)
- “I’m not comfortable with that.” (for setting boundaries)
- “Can we revisit this later?” (for creating space to process)
Practicing Assertiveness
Confidence in assertiveness doesn’t come from waiting until you feel ready. It comes from practicing—even when it feels awkward or unnatural. Start small and build your skills over time. Here are a few ways to practice:
- Journal. Write down scenarios where you wish you had been more assertive. Practice writing out how you could handle those situations differently.
- Role-play. Practice assertive communication with a trusted friend, partner, or therapist. Hearing your own voice say the words can help you feel more prepared.
- Mirror work. Stand in front of a mirror and practice saying assertive phrases. Notice your tone and body language, and adjust as needed.
Remember, it’s okay if it feels uncomfortable at first. Your brain needs time to adjust to this new way of communicating. The more you practice, the more natural it will feel.
Building Confidence Through Action
You might feel like you need confidence before you can assert yourself. But the truth is, confidence often comes after you take the leap. Each time you assert yourself, no matter how small the step, you’re building the belief that you can do it. Over time, those small wins add up to greater self-assurance.
Believe in Yourself
You are so capable. You are so brave. And you are absolutely allowed to communicate in a healthy, assertive way. It’s okay to take small steps and give yourself grace along the way. Growth is a process, and you’re already on your way. Keep practicing, keep reflecting, and keep moving forward. Assertiveness is a skill, and like any skill, it gets easier with time. You’ve got this.