For some people it is completely normal to have low or no desire for sex. It’s super important that we celebrate the plethora of human sexual diversity. In other words, it’s vital to not automatically assume there is something wrong with persons who experience low or no sexual desire. This can be completely normal. Sex is not a drive, or a human need for survival such as food and air. In her book “Come as You Are,” Emily Nagoski, Ph.D., says it well throughout her book, and I quote: “All the same parts, just organized differently.”
No shame here. Just a strong support for the wide array of normalcy.
If this speaks to you, know that there is nothing wrong with you. Remember: All the same parts, just organized differently.
The rest of this blog will assume that you would like to have stronger sexual desires.
Important note before reading on: Nothing of any physical or sexual nature should happen in the therapist’s office. Rather, anything practical will be given as homework. Sex positive therapists are NOT the same as sex surrogates who do act in a physical way with their clients.
Time. Stress. Exhaustion
Many of us struggle to find time for a satisfactory sex-life. We’re either too busy, too tired or too stressed much of the time. While we may not like it, this is pretty normal.
However, for many of us (exceptions acknowledged above), what’s unusual is having no desire for sex for long periods of time. This often signals that there is either something physically, mentally or emotionally going on. While in the past many people felt uncomfortable with the idea of talking to someone about their sex-life, it has become increasingly more common for people to talk about their sex-life with a therapist or other persons with expertise in this area.
How Do You Know if Sex Positive Therapy is Right for You?
If you are experiencing low or a lack in libido, it’s important to start with an appointment with your doctor to rule out physiological problems.
If you get the green light medically speaking, then there is a good chance your struggles are stemming from something mental or emotional. It may be that you are in the mood but your partner isn’t. Maybe both of you are feeling a disconnect from the other.
Whatever it may be, a sex positive therapist can help you discover what the issue might be and give you the tools to resolve it.
In general, sex therapy can be used to address:
- Sexual trauma
- Intrusive and distressing sexual thoughts
- Low or a lack of sexual desire
- Sexual anxiety
- Intimacy after infidelity
- A couple’s disparity in sexual desire
- Intimacy after having children
- A paraphilia, or desire that causes a person distress
- Sex addictions and/or compulsive behavior
- Difficulties achieving orgasm
What to Expect
Talk therapy is one of the tools used in sex therapy but it’s generally not enough to resolve all of a person’s struggles. To address whatever emotional issues may be going on underneath, certain behavioral techniques will be used. Usually, these techniques will involve physical exercises that clients will do on their own outside of the therapy setting.
For instance, one common technique used in sex positive therapy is called sensate focus. This exercise has couples massage one another without any sexual contact. The idea is to have both partners learn to give and receive pleasure and to feel safe together. Once partners become more comfortable, they can then progress to genital stimulation.
Finding a Therapist
If you are interested in exploring treatment, it’s important to find a practitioner with expertise in this area. Your therapist should be a licensed psychotherapist with experience and knowledge in sex therapy.
Would love to hear from you even if you’re not ready to make a committment to an appointment. Feel free to call or email me today to request a FREE 15-minute phone or video consultation.