📌 Quick Answer: Sexual consent is a real-time agreement that ensures both partners feel safe, respected, and comfortable. Consent cannot be assumed based on past interactions, future plans, or enthusiasm expressed beforehand. It must be actively given in the moment, every time.
🌿A Note on Self-Care
This conversation may bring up difficult emotions, especially if you’ve experienced boundary violations or trauma. If you start feeling overwhelmed, pause and check in with yourself. Take a break, ground yourself, or seek support if needed.
💡 For a more in-depth guide on self-care while engaging with this topic, read this full note on checking in with yourself.
🔹 Sexual Consent Blog Series
📌 This blog is part of our ongoing series on sexual consent. If you find this topic helpful, check out these related articles:
🔹 Sexual Consent: Why This Conversation Still Matters (Introduction to the Series)
🔹 When Trauma Makes Consent Complicated: How PTSD and CPTSD Affect Your Ability to Set Sexual Boundaries
🔹 No is Always No for Sexual Consent: The Importance of Respecting Boundaries
🔹 The Importance of Consent in the Moment
Consent is the foundation of any healthy intimate relationship. It ensures that both partners feel safe, respected, and in control of their choices. While partners can discuss desires and preferences in advance, true consent can only be given in the present moment—not in the past or future.
When both partners feel confident that “nothing will happen here that I do not want,” intimacy becomes safer, more comfortable, and more enjoyable. Consent is what transforms an experience from tolerated to truly wanted.
🔹 No is No, Only Yes is Yes
The principle of consent is simple: No is No, only Yes is Yes. This means that consent isn’t just about what happens at the start of an intimate moment—it’s about what is actively agreed upon throughout the experience.
✔ Past actions or agreements do not guarantee consent for the present.
✔ Enthusiasm about a future plan is not consent for the present.
✔ Consent is not a one-time agreement—it’s an ongoing process.
📢 Hey, did you know?
People often assume that if someone talked about wanting to do something before, they still want it now. But consent is always in the moment. If a partner hesitates, withdraws, or seems uncertain, it’s a sign to pause and check in.
📖 Further Reading: Understanding the Difference Between Enthusiasm and Consent
🔹 Why Enthusiasm is Not Consent
You’ve probably felt excited about an upcoming experience before—maybe a vacation, a concert, or even an intimate moment. But excitement in advance doesn’t always match how you feel in the moment.
✔ Someone might say “I can’t wait for tonight!” but feel differently when the time comes.
✔ A partner might suggest an activity beforehand but decide later that they’re not in the mood.
✔ Excitement in conversation does not equal consent in the moment.
Consent can only ever be given in the moment.
🔹 The Danger of Assuming Consent Based on the Past
Let’s say your partner expressed excitement about trying something new yesterday. When today arrives, they hesitate. What happens next? Consent has to be checked in the moment.
✔ If your partner seems hesitant, it’s time to stop and check in.
✔ If they say they’ve changed their mind, that decision must be respected.
✔ If they freeze or seem unsure, don’t push—ask if they’re okay.
Remember: Consent is an ongoing conversation, not a past agreement.
🔹 How Staying Present Builds Trust and Safety
When you focus on the present moment and check in with your partner’s feelings, you create an environment where both people feel respected and safe. This deepens trust and makes intimacy better for both partners.
✔ It reassures your partner that they have a choice at every step.
✔ It ensures that you’re both fully engaged and comfortable.
✔ It prevents misunderstandings or assumptions about what’s okay.
💬 Q&A: Common Questions About Consent in the Moment
Q: What if my partner said they wanted something before but now they’ve changed their mind?
✅ Their new decision is what matters. Past enthusiasm does not override present feelings.
Q: What if my partner seems unsure but doesn’t say no?
✅ If someone hesitates or withdraws, it’s a sign to pause and check in before continuing. Silence is not consent.
Q: How do I make sure I’m respecting consent in the moment?
✅ Ask, check in, and look for active participation. If your partner isn’t fully engaged, don’t assume—ask.
📖 Further Reading: Recognizing and Trusting Non-Verbal Consent
💖 Final Thoughts: Keeping Consent in the Moment
Consent is never about past agreements or future expectations—it’s about what both people want in the here and now.
✔ Respect what your partner feels in the moment, not what they said yesterday.
✔ Stay engaged—enthusiasm and active participation matter.
✔ If in doubt, ask. It’s always better to check in than to assume.
✨ By prioritizing consent in the moment, you create a safe, fulfilling, and mutually enjoyable experience.
📌 Read More from Our Sexual Consent Series:
🔹 Sexual Consent: Why This Conversation Still Matters (Introduction to the Series)
🔹 When Trauma Makes Consent Complicated: How PTSD and CPTSD Affect Your Ability to Set Sexual Boundaries
🔹 No is Always No for Sexual Consent: The Importance of Respecting Boundaries
💡 Have thoughts on this topic? Drop me a comment by submitting a Secure Contact Form. I’d love to hear from you!
🌐 Explore Our Services:
🌀 EMDR Therapy
💜 Trauma, PTSD, C-PTSD Support
🏳️🌈 LGBTQ+ Affirming Therapy
🔆 Sex-Positive Therapy
📞 Contact & Booking